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How To Build Chemistry In a Relationship

Couple Flirting showing their chemistry

Building chemistry in a relationship can sometimes be challenging but it can also happen very organically and take little or no effort.  The difference lies in how, and when you meet your potential love mate, and your level of compatibility.  Life really is about timing, and sometimes, you can meet someone that you would have great potential chemistry with, but if its under the “wrong circumstances” you lose your chance, almost by default.

On the other hand, if you meet someone that really seems to be at the right place at the right time, then sometimes everything can just fall into place.  That being said, chemistry can be built manually if you don’t hit it off immediately or if it’s not exactly love at first site.

With so many failed relationships now days, it’s no wonder people are much more skeptical of each other.  This can even make someone that could be a great match for you, push you away or at the very least, be a bit closed off in the beginning.  So first let’s talk about what good chemistry is in a relationship, and then we’ll talk about how to achieve it.

What is Good Chemistry In a Relationship?

Chances are if you are googling how to building chemistry in a relationship, then you may have experienced good chemistry with someone before.  But if not, that is ok too.  Let’s define what exactly good chemistry means.

When you have built chemistry with someone, it is something that you can “feel” with that person.  If you find yourselves finishing each other’s sentences, having the same idea of what to eat for dinner, or where to go for a date, then you have probably built some good chemistry with that person.  

Good chemistry is when you feel super comfortable around that person, you feel like you can tell them anything, and are not afraid to show them your true self.  After all, the best relationships are ALWAYS  built around truth and not lies.  

Having good chemistry can be broken down into different areas of the relationship.  You have sexual chemistry, which is how good you are in bed together.  There is a personal chemistry that can be seen with how much you generally “agree” on day to day things like, where to have breakfast, the way life should be lived, and the many other decisions that couples often make together in life.

There is also family chemistry which is how well you get along with your partners’ family and how much they like you.  

Sexual Chemistry

With sexual chemistry, it is normal that you may not to feel this right away.  Even if everything else seems right, sometimes it take a couple some time to “get to know each other” in the bedroom.  And that is perfectly fine.  But, if it’s been a couple of months together, and things still feel “off” in the sac, the chances are you probably do not have great sexual chemistry together.  This should be pretty obvious at the early stages of the relationship.

Having good sex is crucial to keeping any couple together for the long term.  So this one is really a must in having a successful relationship with someone.  If the first couple of times you have sex feel awkward, that is normal for any two people seeing each other naked for the first time, and smashing your privates together, hoping for some pleasure.  If the chemistry is right, it will get a whole lot better, real fast, and you both will notice and appreciate it.

Just don’t be afraid to end a relationship when the sexual chemistry is just not there.  You may really like the person and their personality, but if you cannot hit it off together in the bedroom, then eventually the relationship will just fizzle out, and most likely leave both partners yearning for more.  This is a waste of time, a relationship disaster, and will lead to inevitable failure.  Try to avoid it at all costs!

Personal Chemistry

The next kind of chemistry is your “person to person” or compatible personality chemistry.  I think this one will be the most obvious form of chemistry from the moment you meet someone.  A few lucky people out there, such as myself, are lucky enough to meet someone, and instantly feel like you have known each other forever and become instant friends.  This is literally the story of my life, and how I met my wife.

Let me tell you the story. We met on the beach here in Miami.  From the moment we started talking to each other, we became instant friends.  There was no weirdness, there was no skepticism, just pure friendship from the very beginning.  

After talking for a couple hours on the beach and getting to know each other, and even discovering that we both lived in the same building, I invited her over and that same day we met for dinner and a movie.  This was a friendly gesture, and I swear I had no intention of “picking her up”. 

I just thought she was a super cool and a fun person to be around and I wanted to hang out with her more!  So long story short, she showed up, we had dinner, a bunch of laughs watching funny movies and more talking.  This solidified our relationship, and we have been best friends ever since.

Not everyone will get this type of sensation when meeting someone new.  For me, that was 11 years ago, and a lot has changed in the dating world since then.  Social media has risen to power, and there is a buffet of options out there for dating apps.  So a lot of times, when you meet someone new now, people are unsure of what to think of you.  That is perfectly normal, and that is why you should take the lead, and open up to that person from the very beginning.

Show some vulnerability, and let them know you are not afraid to be yourself around them.  This hopefully will in turn, get them to open up to you, and see if there is any chemistry to be found.  You should really be able to tell if you have this type of chemistry with someone based on the first meeting / date with them.  

If however, you think that you do have this type of personal chemistry together, but the other person doesn’t think so, and doesn’t care to see you again, then just let them go.  You are not going to be able to “convince” them that you have something together.  Move on, and find a better match.

Family Chemistry

This type of chemistry really only applies to couples that have already passed the first two “tests” above.  Assuming you have the other two forms of chemistry mentioned earlier, then this is the last piece of the relationship chemistry puzzle.  How well do you get along with their family?

Depending on how attached your partner is to their family, this can either be extremely important or of little importance at all.  If your partner does not have much family or does not associate with them, I wouldn’t worry too much about this, but that is simply not the case for most of us.  

We’ve all seen the movies like Meet The Parents, where at least one person in the family does not like your partner.  Fortunately, since you are with your partner, and not Jack Burns, you can rest easy knowing that it can take some time for certain people to warm up to you.  You don’t have to love your spouses family, but you should at the very least, be able to get along at family functions and treat each other with respect at all times.

This will make for a much more rewarding and stress free feeling for everyone involved.  Being able to have laughs and enjoy holidays together and family functions will be a lot more fun for everyone, as opposed to awkward silences between certain people, or straight up arguing, and storming out of the room and slamming doors.  

Hopefully you will be able to build good relationships with your spouses family.  But if you really have gave it your all, and still are dealing with a Jack Burns, then try to make your partner understand that it really is not you, and it is them.  If they love you, and you have the other forms of chemistry together, they will most likely understand and learn to live with it.

Signs of Good Chemistry

  • Mutual Agreement on many things
  • Frequent Smiling and Flirting
  • Being able to “read each others minds”
  • Always speaking honestly and open with each other
  • Hand Holding when out in public
  • Frequent Kissing and Affection 
  • Lots of eye contact
  • Great Sex

Signs of Bad Chemistry

  • Constant Arguing
  • Only happy with each other while having sex
  • Frequent disagreement
  • Low desire to be around each other often
  • Feeling awkward around your partner
  • Hiding your true self for fear of not being accepted
  • Not being honest
  • Feeling like you’d rather be somewhere else, than with your partner
  • Never any public display of affection

Can I Build Chemistry or Does it Need to Be Natural?

Like mentioned before, chemistry is a feeling you get with someone.  Usually it will happen organically and very rapidly when meeting someone new.  But there are some exceptions.  Chemistry can be built with someone under the right circumstances.  

Let’s say you meet someone in a somewhat crowded or hasty situation.  Maybe this person is a bit shy, and maybe you are too.  On top of that, there a lot of people around, lots of talking, lots of things happening.  You exchange glances and you notice there “might be something there”.  You feel an initial attraction, but you haven’t had a chance to meet or talk to each other.  

This is a situation where chemistry can be built.  Because, there is some chemistry already from the beginning.  The problem lies in the fact that neither of you have a chance to act on it.  If this happens, make sure to talk to this person and ask them for their phone number!  Just be polite, introduce yourself, and say “I couldn’t help noticing you, can I get your phone number so I can give you call sometime?”  

If you do this, you plant the seed of chemistry and attraction, and give yourself a future opportunity to build chemistry with this person.  Don’t make the mistake of letting that person go without talking to them at all.  It will be a missed opportunity and you may regret it.

This is the kind of situation where chemistry can be built. It cannot be built however, in a situation where you meet someone and there is no initial attraction, or you have gone on a few dates, and you just feel like you have nothing in common and opposite interests.  No matter how hard you try, this type of situation will never work out!  Stay on the look out for instant chemistry, or opportunities where it may be able to be built.

How Do I know if Chemistry Has Been Established?

So now that we have established the different types of chemistry, and what good and bad chemistry is, it should start becoming clearer to you whether or not you have established chemistry in your relationship.

Start by using the checklist above.  Does most of of your behavior together fall into the good or bad category?  Is it a little of both?  Of course, if it is mostly all the bad stuff, you should be thinking about a break up, if you are not broken up already.  If it is mostly all the good stuff, then you are probably in really good shape and have a lot of good chemistry with your partner.

If you are one of the people in the middle, where it is maybe half good, and half bad, all hope is not lost.  Try to work on the problematic areas of your bad chemistry and maintain as much of the good chemistry as possible.

Discuss this with your partner.  Just the fact that you are open about this, and are bringing it up for discussion, shows them your level of commitment and desire to build and grow together.  By taking this first step, you are working towards having great chemistry together.  

Remember, no relationship is ever perfect, no matter how much it may look like it from the outside.  It is OK if most things are good, but you have one of the signs of bad chemistry too.  Work on it together, talk about it, and make a conscious effort to continually improve.  Your life with your partner will be that much better because of it!

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